Tag Archives: advice for parents

What to Say to Teens

“They just don’t talk to me”.

That’s a familiar refrain. Parents often ask me for advice on how to help their kids speak to them more openly. These are some of my suggestions that I regularly use.

I am happy to listen when you feel like talking.
I believe you.
What I admire about you is…
What is the best way I can support you right now?
You have the right to be upset.
I would also feel scared if that happened to me.
I agree.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you for trusting me.
I am proud of you.
I know it’s hard to talk about.
That’s a hard decision to make.
Making mistakes does not define who you are.

On pandemic and homeschooling

Several of my local school systems as well as private schools in my work in Maryland, Virginia, and Washington DC have made it known that they are going to have a very limited schedule or no in vivo teaching this fall.

I work with many parents and educators. It’s been an incredibly difficult process, since March, to parent, work from home, do home schooling, manage health concerns, and still try to have quality of life and self care.

I have the deepest respect for the challenges involved. But it’s essential to help children feel safe, keep healthy routines, manage their behavior and build resilience.

Here are some tips to help your children feel safe.
– Address children’s fears directly
Children rely on their parents for safety, both physical and emotional. Reassure your children that you are there for them and that your family will get through this together.

-Answer questions about the pandemic simply & honestly. Talk with children about any frightening news they hear or see. It is OK to say people are getting sick or passing, but say following rules like hand washing and staying home will help your family stay healthy. Explain to them why they may not be able to see their friends easily in a calm fashion. Making things seem like they are falsely positive it’s not helpful for children, because they will know that there is something wrong

-Recognize your child’s feelings. Calmly say, for example, “I can see that you are upset because you can’t have your friends over.” Guiding questions can help older children and teens work through issues. (“I know it is disappointing not to be able to hang with your friends easily right now. How do you think you can stay in touch with them?”)

-Keep in touch with loved ones, friends, and family. Children may also worry about a grandparent or family member who is living alone or a relative or friend with an increased risk of getting COVID-19. Video chats can help ease their anxiety

-Model how to manage feelings. Dr. Siddique calls this emotion coaching. Just like a coach can help you be a better athlete or student, emotions also require practice, feedback, and implementation.

Talk through how you are managing your own feelings. (“I am worried about Grandma or Auntie, since I can’t go visit her. The best I can do is to check in with her more often by phone. I will put a reminder on my phone to call her in the morning and the afternoon until this outbreak ends.”

-Acknowledge compromises. Yes, working from home is hard. I have to make a lot of adjustments. I know mommy is in the study all the time. It’s like being at the office but now it’s here at home. Sometimes when I’m here in the house, I can’t always talk to you. But we will have our time later.

-Tell your child before you leave the house for work or essential errands. In a calm and reassuring voice, tell them where you are going, how long you will be gone, when you will return, and that you are taking steps to stay safe. More than ever, communication matters.

-Look forward with realistic optimism. Tell them that scientists are working hard to figure out how to help people who get ill, and that things will get better.

-Offer extra hugs and say “I love you” more often. Being affectionate matters.

-Keep healthy routines
During the pandemic, it is more important than ever to maintain bedtime and other routines. They create a sense of order to the day that offers reassurance in a very uncertain time. All children, including teens, benefit from routines that are predictable yet flexible enough to meet individual needs. go to bed within a certain time range and wake up at the same time. Model that unfortunate times do not have to create chaos.

-Structure. With the usual routines thrown off, establish new daily schedules. Break up schoolwork and chores when possible. Older children and teens can help with schedules, but they should follow a general order, such as:
Wake-up routines, getting dressed, breakfast and some active play in the morning, followed by quiet play and snack to transition into schoolwork.
Lunch, chores, exercise, some online social time with friends, and then homework in the afternoon.

-As recommended by Dr. Siddique: Fun, food, and family time before bed.
Chat, play, read, or watch a great show. How you complete the day sets the stage for the next one.

-Avoid any physical punishment. Per pediatric research: Spanking, hitting, and other forms of physical or “corporal” punishment risks injury and isn’t effective in any scientific study. Physical punishment can increase aggression in children over time, fails to teach them to behave or practice self-control, and can even interfere with normal brain development. Corporal punishment may take away a child’s sense of safety and security at home, which are especially needed now. They can also manifest and difficult or unhealthy relationships in the future, because people who love you can hurt you.

-Neuropsychology research: Embolden reminds parents and caregivers never to shake or jerk a child, which could cause permanent injuries and disabilities and even result in death.

-Self care. Caregivers also should be sure to take care of themselves physically: eat healthy, exercise, and get enough sleep. Find ways to decompress and take breaks. If more than one parent is home, take turns watching the children, if possible.

Parenting and homeschooling, during COVID-19

It’s been a frequent question, how to handle the current situation with regard to kids. In Washington DC, the school systems are closed for at least a month, and I’m thinking longer. This is what I’m telling my patients and families:

1. Establish a routine. This needs to include online schoolwork, chores, exercise, scheduled not random downtime with a preferred activity, and very regular bedtimes and morning routines. You do not get to sleep till 11.

2. This is not a snow day. We can’t live on Doritos, ice cream, and junk food. I am asking all kids nine and above, to help plan and prepare a meal at least once a week for the entire family. This can actually be fun. We all need to cook.

3. Developmentally appropriate information needs to be discussed. From social media to television, we hear bits and pieces that can be very scary. No kid needs to be terrified.

4. Get some outdoor time. It’s spring, and it’s beautiful. Just because we can’t interact, touch or hug, doesn’t mean we don’t get to embrace the sun.

5. Find one cool new hobby or interest to explore. You’ve never had time like this to do that.

6. Don’t forget to check on others. Lack of social contact is one thing, but we have neighbors, relatives, elders, who need our support.

6. Last time, probably most importantly, give each other space. We are used to being at school, the office, sports, activities. Now we are stuck with each other. Annoyance happens.
Find some alone time, for each family member.

Embolden Psychology
Embolden

Embolden offers the ADOS-2, the gold standard assessment for kids on the spectrum.

Combined with psychoeducational testing, it helps provide comprehensive information and recommendations to help children and teens six and up.

Thank you for contacting us.