Tag Archives: narcissist

Life After Gaslighting

Gaslighting refers to when someone tries to overwrite your memories, experiences, or perceptions. Simultaneously, they may convince you that you are wrong if you attempt to question their “edited” version of reality. Over time, the individual being gaslighted starts doubting their own thoughts and memories. Most mental health professionals consider gaslighting to be a form of emotional abuse that’s particularly insidious.

Gaslighting can look like a friend or partner saying you are overreacting, exaggerating, or misunderstanding the situation.

It can be a parent telling a child that they are oversensitive or dramatic.

It can even happen in the context of social justice, with minimization or denial when an individual is upset about sexism, racism, and other forms of injustice.

Life After Gaslighting:
Release and express strong emotions.
Crying easily, feeling angry, doubting feelings of happiness are all common after an extended period of doubting or suppressing emotional expression, or being punished or even ridiculed for emotions.

Learn to See the Positive in Vulnerabilities
Often people end up feeling ashamed of their emotions after having been told they are wrong over and over again. Being vulnerable takes practice. Allowing yourself to be expressive in vulnerable ways can be tried out with trusted friends or professionals.

Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes
Gaslighting erodes your trust in yourself. When you’re constantly hearing that you’re doing something wrong, it’s only natural to begin to question whether you can do anything right. You might find yourself constantly apologizing. Being able to safely make mistakes without being criticized or mocked helps regain your trust in yourself. It also helps you see that you are human, and making a mistake is not a big deal.

Be Gentle With Yourself
Many people turn against themselves when they realize they’ve been gaslighted, blaming themselves for not recognizing or confronting it. Keep in mind that this kind of self-criticism is a common result of gaslighting. Try to let go of self-blame, and be compassionate with yourself.

Surround Yourself With Love
Spend as much time as you can with people who love and appreciate you. Talk with them about the doubts, insecurities, and fears that became a part of your life through the gaslighting relationship. Allow them to validate your reality as you let go of constant self-doubt. Let these connections nourish you.

Create a psychological first-aid kit
What are some healthy things you can do right now to soothe your hurt and treat yourself with TLC? What are the things that give you energy? Create a list of the activities and things that raise you up. I call this a “psychological first-aid kit.” When you are feeling low, turn to it, to practice some good self-care. Some psychological first-aid kits might include going for a walk, calling a trusted friend, painting or coloring, reading, watching a movie, cuddling a companion animal, and meditation.

Forget Closure
If you feel like you need closure to move on, you probably aren’t going to get it from the narcissist/gaslighter. When a “relationship post-mortem” discussion is not possible, the onus of the healing process falls on you. You will likely not hear an apology or explanation. In addition, gaslighters are adept at telling you not to talk to other people about what happened, so often there are very few people to bear witness about what you have experienced.

Reconnect
You may have become isolated from your friends and family. Gaslighters/narcissists work to distance you from others. Reach out to friends and family that are emotionally healthy. Make sure you ask them if they’re emotionally available so you don’t create a burden inadvertently. You’ll know they’re emotionally healthy because when you are around them you feel relatively calm, and most importantly, like you can be yourself without judgment or criticism.

Learn From Your Experience
Learn from your experience, but keep in mind that you may see everyone as a potential gaslighter for a while. The trauma of gaslighting can lead to being emotionally cautious and leery. Give yourself time to process and heal without having to plunge into new relationships.

Also see The Anxiety Toolkit.

Why some people cannot apologize

To be able to admit that we’ve done something wrong requires a certain level of self-esteem or ego strength. People who are deeply insecure can find it challenging to say I’m sorry in part because a single mistake has the power to obliterate their fragile self-worth. The idea that they could make a mistake and still be a valuable and good person is unthinkable for someone whose self-esteem is severely lacking.

A recent study, in the psychology journal, Personality and Individual Differences, April 2018, has found that people who are less willing to apologize also tend to be less self-compassionate. And it’s not a sense of flawlessness that keeps them from saying “sorry,” it’s the very opposite: Unapologetic people may actually be so mired in shame of their wrongdoings or feel so badly about their personal characteristics, that they withdraw from the situation entirely. Apologizing causes a surge of shame and guilt, and is avoided.

Narcissism, a personality variable, is also related to difficulty apologizing.

Narcissists do not believe that they wronged somebody, and do not feel shame about their actions. Also see, What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Self-compassion involves three key component: the ability to extend kindness toward oneself in times of suffering, the understanding that all humans make mistakes, and the ability to notice when suffering arises and observe difficult thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Because people with higher levels of self-compassion are able to step back from the negative emotions that are often triggered by mistakes or failures, they’re more able to lean in to difficult situations rather than withdraw from or avoid them. People with lower levels of self-compassion find it difficult to sit with the discomfort or pain of another. Some reactions might include avoidance, minimizing the other person’s experience, reaction formation (well, you hurt me too), or even mocking emotions/name calling.

Neuropsychologically, we are actually ‘wired’ to need apologies. When people receive apologies, it actually soothes stress hormones and increases attention span. When we feel wronged, it affects our well-being cognitively and emotionally, and an apology can help alleviate that imbalance.

Embolden Psychology
Embolden

Embolden offers the ADOS-2, the gold standard assessment for kids on the spectrum.

Combined with psychoeducational testing, it helps provide comprehensive information and recommendations to help children and teens six and up.

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