Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

On Thanks-Giving

For many, it is a time to reflect on heritage and family. Kashmir, part of my heritage, has been known as a place of conflict and war since the Partition of India and Pakistan, with tens of thousands of deaths. Before separation from English Colonialism, and Partition, there was a lengthy period of time where Islam, Hinduism, Sufism, Sikhism, and Buddhism coexisted peacefully in one of the most gorgeous areas of the world.

While the timeless male poets Rumi, Gibran, and Hafez have received lots of recognition in the Western World, there are some amazing female poets from my region of the world. South Asian poetry from women often combined spiritual elements with eroticism and everyday life for a potent mix.

Lal Ded was a Kashmiri mystic who lived in the 14th century. She was a yogi and practitioner of erotic (tantric) spirituality. She cast aside traditional values and subsequently became homeless, wandering from village to village.

Centuries later her poetry could not be more timely.

I have seen an educated man starve,
a leaf blown off by bitter wind.
Once I saw a thoughtless fool
beat his cook.
I have been waiting for the allure of the world to fall away.

I might scatter the southern clouds,
drain the sea, or cure someone
hopelessly ill.
But to change the mind
of a fool
is beyond me.

I came by the public road
but won’t return on it.
On the embankment I stand, halfway
through the journey.
Day is gone. Night has fallen.
I dig in my pockets but can’t find
a cowry shell.
What can I pay for the ferry?
Wander, my poor soul, you’re not going home anytime soon.

See also my post on heritage and ancestry.
In peace. 🙏🏽

How to feel grateful when you don’t

Photo: Cape May, with Sage and Asia

Got Gratitude?

Happy Thanksgiving.
Some days it’s tough to feel true gratitude, or hard to find anything to be grateful for at all. Some days you might wonder why you should feel grateful because nothing seems okay. Like life, gratitude practice is not an eternal upward slope. Anyone can feel challenged as struggles diminish our energy to appreciate.
It’s okay if you spend some days without feeling grateful. Attempting to force yourself to feel what you can’t truly isn’t going to improve your head space. Acceptance of our reality is the most crucial step towards healing from wounds. You don’t have to keep a gratitude journal. You already have one in your head.

1. Think small
When you’re at a loss of things to feel grateful for, think about what you actually do on a given day. For example, your strong hands help you interact with everything around you. You pat your dog or cat, scratch an itch, pour your coffee, swat away a mosquito. Without them, it would be quite a struggle. But, how many times a day do you appreciate how fundamental they are to your day-to-day life?
Similarly, things like clean water, healthy food, access to transportation, paved roads, music, the MCU, cool wind, flowers, technology, education, books, sleep, friendship, intimacy, warmth, light, are some of the things that we engage with regularly in one way or another but somehow forget to mention as enthusiastically as we do other great achievements. These are the small parts of our lives that have mostly been with us through thick and thin, like that friend who stays with you through successes and failures. See also Stones Across the River, Mindfulness Practice.

2. Reflect on negative experiences you have overcome
During the hard times, it’s hard to remember that you’ve already been through hard times. You survived. Every single thing that ever happened brought you to this space and time.

3. Start gratitude conversations
Ask people what they are thankful for. Better yet, ask, “Who are you grateful to?” Learning about others and their struggles, touchstones, goals, and experiences can be moving, inspiring, and downright connecting.  More at The Psychology of Nostalgia.

4. Practice mindful verbal expression
Say, “I appreciate you.”
Say, “I notice xyz. Thank you for doing that.”
Say, “You look absolutely amazing in that sari.”
Also see The Power of Words Through Text, The Power of Texting.

5. Be generous
Another way is to take the focus away from ourselves and express gratitude to all the people that care and have made our lives easier or more beautiful with their presence. Gifting is not fancy. It’s an acknowledgment through deed, word, action, or a significant object that someone matters to you.  See also The Mental Health Benefits of Random Acts of Kindness.

Love and Boundaries: Coping With the Holidays

The holidays are upon us, which usually means family and friends.

Either way, in the current state of the world you’re bound to have someone in your life who is just not taking the virus (and the precautions to slow the spread of it) seriously. And while you might feel like you have to avoid them or cut them out of your life until the pandemic is over, there are a few things you can try before resorting to more extreme measures.

Since this is a problem all too many of us (myself included) are dealing with, I was recently asked by the Virginia Psychological Association to give advice on how to manage this stressful dynamic. What should you do, when people around you are not taking the virus seriously? Please also see my article on cognitive dissonance which discusses why it’s hard for many people to change their mind. 

Set boundaries.
Remember that setting boundaries is essential for your mental and physical well-being. You can set boundaries around everything from what you will talk about and engage with, to what you are willing to physically do with someone who is not taking things seriously. Setting a boundary with family members and loved ones may feel uncomfortable at first but it is a healthy way to let others know what they can expect from you. When you let friends and family members know your expectations, it’s likely they will feel confused or even upset or angry at first. But it’s important to communicate your needs and expectations in a way that is respectful but firm.

If you don’t want to spend time around people who don’t wear masks in public, tell that person that you really value them in your life and want to spend time with them, but in order to continue doing that you either need them to wear a mask or you’ll only connect with them over Zoom or FaceTime call if they won’t. Or, if you live with family members who aren’t wearing masks in public, tell them you will keep your distance from them (to the extent you can) while you are both at home.

You can only control yourself, you can’t control others, so establishing those boundaries helps to protect your mental health and reduce your stress. You don’t have to take responsibility for educating family members on safety measures, and you can take that energy and time and use it for self-care activities such as exercise, breath work, meditation, sleep, walking outdoors.

Try to avoid getting angry or using critical language when you bring up concerns. I have one patient who has told me that when he sees people without a mask, he becomes enraged. He, and his parents, with whom he resides, have underlying vulnerable health issues, and the apparent selfishness of others not wearing a mask makes him incredibly angry. Unfortunately, people don’t listen to you when you’re angry. Leave out the criticism in your conversations.

In sum, it’s not your responsibility to educate your family members, friends, significant others, or roommates on safety measures. But if you do want to share information with them or discuss safety measures, you can do so in a way that communicates your concern without criticism.

When speaking with a loved family member about concerns such as COVID, it is always best to start from a place of love and support. Ask what you can do to help instead of criticize. When was the last time you felt like doing something someone asked if it was delivered in a tone that was condescending or negative?

It’s much better to say, may I buy you a cute mask, instead of: You’re going to die or kill someone, if you don’t wear a mask. I personally have several really pretty masks that have been made for me by clients who are talented, in addition to my regular PPE.

It’s also helpful to use “I” statements when communicating with friends and family, so they understand where you are coming from. For instance, saying – Hey, I am worried about your health, and so I don’t want to potentially expose you to the virus if I come over, or “Hey, I’d love to come to your baby shower or wedding, but I don’t want to take the risk that I might get you or someone else sick.

Remember, that some people are resistant to change. So know when it’s time to stop pushing them. It isn’t your job to preach to others about what they should be doing; you can only control what you are doing. With that in mind, if you still are not comfortable with how your family or friends are dealing with things, you can respectfully decline to spend time with them physically until things are better.

It IS your duty to protect yourself and your health and well-being. Let them know what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and if that’s a Zoom call instead of an in-person dinner party, tell them. If they really respect you and want to spend time with you, they will do what it takes to see you, even if it’s not IRL.
I’m heading to a zoom baby shower for my niece tomorrow, please be safe.

Happy Thanksgiving week.

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